Recently, I was asked to speak about being gay, specifically
gay in the workplace. I do not exactly like the term ‘coming out.’ I believe
living one’s life to truth, the truth of who we are. Is it always that simple?
Hardly.
In my life, living out arrived in a wave of stages. In the
time when I was a teen, living truth to my nature was not an easy thing. I knew
I was different. I knew I was not like other boys my age, but I did not
understand the implications. In the 1970s we did not talk about those things.
Living one’s truth, at times, takes courage. At that point I was a scared young
man with no one to share my fears.
The short of it is, I married and knew it was wrong, but I
was too scared to do otherwise.
Jumping ahead, after seven years I could no longer deny my
truth. After my divorce, I made a promise to myself where I would lead a life
on honesty. In the workplace, I kept that vow.
Did I stand in the window and proclaim for all to see and
hear, “I am gay! I’m here! I’m queer?” Nope. Not that either. I did not feel
that need. I mean, do straight people proclaim their heterosexuality? That, by
no means, means that I hid either. In my day-to-day conversations and
interactions, I lived a life as me. I have often joked that I can be me, I
cannot be you.
If a friend cared, they knew who I was. If I felt a need to
share that aspect of my life I did so. When I worked at Fox Photo, that worked
against me. In 1985 I was up for a promotion in my department and I was passed
over. When I learned it was because of being gay, I made some waves. I was told
I was not passed over for being gay, BUT was then told “I have to understand we
do not live in San Francisco.” I was also told if I did not like it, I could
also work elsewhere.
In 1985, companies could get away with that sort of thing.
My boss was right, we did not live in San Francisco. I lived in Indiana where
being gay in many eyes was not acceptable, and in a “right to work” state,
companies can, all to often, do as they please.
Not long after that I left and decided to go to college to
fulfill a lifelong dream to be a teacher. College afforded me to work in an
enlightened environment where intelligence rules over ignorance. College is not
necessarily the real world. There, I did live my truth. As a student, I, and
four other men, formed Indiana University at South Bend’s first gay social
group, OUT-IUSB. We were met with some resistance but in the end, we
succeeded in launching the group. The group exists to this day (under a different
name).
As I ventured out into the world I stepped up as an
educator, and sadly I quickly realized I would need to compartmentalize my
being. Being out as a brand-new teacher would not come easily. Knowing I would
need to learn to be a good teacher first, that was not an issue for me. I was a
temp my first year, filling a position for a teacher on medical leave.
The funny thing about being a single man at the age 32, and
perhaps because of my gentle nature, some kids assumed I was gay, some never
gave it a thought, or could have cared less. I did face down a couple
homophobic students, and much to their disdain, my school protected me. One
student, in particular, who was already walking on thin ice, ended up on
academic probation because of her behaviors.
When the teacher returned, I continued as a sub.
A number of years later, I took a job at Notre Dame. You
might think being out at a Catholic school would be dangerous. Amazingly, I
found just the opposite. Living my life as who I am earned me respect from my
peers and management.
It was at this time I decided to pursue another of my life’s
childhood dreams. After President Bill Clinton signed the “Don’t Ask Don’t
Tell” legislature I made moves to join the U.S. Navy Reserve. It was perhaps
the best move I made in my life. Of course, this did mean I had to take a small
step back and while I lived my life no differently, I did take a more
conservative bent while serving, at least for my first five years as a Sailor.
I am not exactly sure how successful I was about this tack.
When I joined a Navy public affairs unit in Chicago, I found a welcoming
environment… to a degree… In my 21 years in the Navy, I came to know that no
one with whom I worked could care less. Occasionally my colleagues would make a
joke with a wink that let me know I was safe there.
Being gay in the military, I believe, the attitudes from most
of the ranks was a non-issue. The one who did care, the ones who made it an
issue were either unenlightened and insecure in their own skins, or those who
had to answer to politicians who love using gays as a wedge issue.
When President Obama signed legislature making it legal to
serve with no risk of expulsion, I continued life as usual. Did I throw open
the doors? No, but I made no efforts to hide either.
I have been a lucky man. My jobs through the years were places
where I felt I could make a difference, especially as a Sailor and a high
school teacher. I have worked in jobs where I made friends who I cared for, and
who cared for me.
My point of this essay is to say this: Whether you are gay,
straight, trans and any of the alphabet identifiers, it is imperative to be
true to your nature. Staying true to yourself, you will find allies who matter
and if they are not your ally, they do not matter.
Since we spend so much of our lives working, being
comfortable in one’s skin is the only way to be happy, sane, and productive.
Being who we are is not a choice, being out is. If living a
lie means being miserable in our jobs, it is time to evaluate our priorities.
Life is just too short.
