A Bond with Separate Ways

I have said this in the past but was reminded today of how lucky I have been in my life.

Many of us who have had the misfortune to go through a divorce find themselves in the intervening years reflecting on a life that could have been... or how one decision made young can lead two lives in separate but rewarding directions.

For any of you who know me and know I am gay, and also a Dad and a former husband, know that a good deal of my life has been lived by ignoring conventional rules.

Phyllis (I fondly call her Phyl) and I married young (a month to the day after high school graduation, I was 17, she turned 18 that day. I used to joke that I was her birthday present); we divorced young, we were 25; I am told that gay men more often than not come out before the age of 20, I did so at 25; unlike many who go to college immediately after high school, I waited ten years; and many men who join the military (the Navy, in my case) do so right out of high school. I was 36 years old, a week shy of 37 when I enlisted.

Many folks who divorce experience bitterness and anger towards their ex. Phyl and I were good friends in high school; good friends (and so much more) while married, and when our dual situations were revealed to us, it became abundantly clear we could not remain married and be happy. When we separated, we both promised one another we would not be like so many other broken couples. 

Conventional rules be damned!

Phyllis remarried a few years after our divorce and Russell, her second husband and she were together for more than ten years before he passed away (while I was stationed in Kuwait in 2005). Phyllis met her current husband Josh a number of years later. And still, through the many years, Phyllis and I have kept in touch with one another.

Sure, we had a wonderful son together so that bond for a good number of years was a necessity. Once Wes graduated from Notre Dame in 1999, his Mother and I still remained in touch.

We rarely go for more than a few weeks without checking in with the other sharing tidbits of life. For me, I let her know how Wes is doing. He lives two or three minutes away from me but 10 hours from her. She misses having him close by.

One thing I can say about Phyl is she is the best Mother a child could ever want. And in more recent years, her second son RT gave her something she has always wanted: a granddaughter. As great as a Mother she was, I can only imagine how much she dotes and loves and revels in that little girl. Not Wes, not RT, not Abigayle, have ever wanted for anything because of her.

Today is Phyllis' mother's birthday. We lost Lois when she was 44. She would be 83 today. My Dad's is this Sunday and he too would be 83 had he lived (we lost him when he was 47). Phyllis and I talked today about our parents and reflections on our lives.

We reminisced about our growing older and taking stock in our lives. We have 47 years of history together... yet apart for 38.

I cannot imagine, even though we live 800 some odd miles apart, how my life would be had we not met in our junior year in high school.

If any of you have ever seen the 1982 movie 'Making Love,' a tale of a couple whose marriage was rocked by Zack's homosexuality. Claire and he ended up going their separate ways but their bond endured. Ours was much stronger than this fictional couple with thanks to our son.

Today we talked about one subject rarely broached. My personal life.

She mentioned that she was happy to see how my life has improved in the past few years, this year in particular. Had we been together, I know a hug would have been in order.

That is Phyllis and me. I have no regrets when it comes to her. I am better for my life because of her, and I would like to think she feels the same.